John 5:6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he laready had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?’
I grew up in a Christian home and was very secure in the love my parents and family had for me. I accepted Christ as my Savior at 15 years old although I did not grow in my relationship for many years because I thought I knew much more than I really did, especially since my Daddy was a pastor and I had been going to church since I was in the womb. However when I was young I had some things that kids at school picked on me about relentlessly. I had very poor self esteem.
I married just a couple months before I turned 19 because I craved belonging to somebody and unconditional love. Seven and a half years and one son (blessing from God) later I got divorced. I was devastated. I knew something had to be wrong with me. Besides the fact that every time I looked in the mirror I saw that skinny, buck toothed girl that was teased most of my early childhood. I was so mad at God. I briefly quit attending church. I wanted to scream “God, what happened to You? This is NOT how my life was supposed to be!!”
All I had ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother and now that dream was shattered at my feet. I did not read my Bible because as I said I was totally mad at God. I felt so broken and incomplete. I had bought into the lie from the popular movie in the early nineties that only a man could complete me. I felt alone, broken and unlovable. I went back to church before too long because it was ingrained in me that it was what I was supposed to do.
One Sunday our regular pastor was not there and a retired pastor was filling in for him. Honestly I looked at the retired pastor and thought, this was such a waste, I am not going to learn anything today, I should just leave. However, God ordained the simple fact that I had sat down on the front row and the service had already begun so I would never have walked out and made a scene or deliberately hurt anyone’s feelings.
The pastor opened his Bible to John 5 and began to speak about the man who had been sick for 38 years and sat day in and day out at the pool of Bethsaida awaiting an angel to come down and stir the waters and for him to find healing. But something different happened that day, Jesus came up to him and asked him if he wanted to be healed and the man said “I have NO MAN (to help him get in the pool)”.
Well that wonderful retired man of God read those words at least 5 times or so it seemed, maybe it was the Good Lord repeating them in my head but either way I immediately was captivated and said to myself… I don’t either. Just then I experienced something I had never before and never since experienced in my life, I had a vision.
I was sitting beside a fountain and a brilliant light was in front of me. I saw the outline of a Man coming toward me and He said “Kelly, do you want to be healed?” I said weakly I don’t have a man… He said “that is not what I asked you! Do you WANT to be better?” Then I realized that the One who MADE me, all my quirks, imperfections and irritations and all was standing before me and LOVED me in spite of all the reasons I thought anyone could not.
I realized that Jesus Christ was the ONLY MAN who could ever complete me and that actually I was not incomplete at all. He filled my heart with such love and peace that it forever changed my life. I soon got into a deep Bible study which helped me understand more about the Bible than I ever thought I could.
This revelation didn’t mean I was not ever lonely again as I was a single mother for 3 ½ years, but it did change my relationship with Christ. Before I had salvation but not much else, now I had much more of a relationship.
I know now that God uses our brokenness in order to bring us closer to Him. God later gave me a Godly husband and another wonderful son, double blessings. Also during my time of singleness, He gave me a ministry to single mothers. I wrote my “I don’t have a man story” in letters to many different women, some I didn’t even know personally.
Never doubt my friends God can truly make beauty out of ashes.