I hid in the closet and cried. I very seriously questioned why God thought I would make a good mom. I just spent the better part of an hour yelling at my kids for disobedience, unplanned messes, and chores undone.
As I sat in the closet, I believed they deserved better than me, that I was surely screwing them up for life. They need a calm mom who drips grace from her lips. A perfect mom. I had officially punished myself with a time out because I failed.
Motherhood has challenged every part of me. Being a mom some days even challenges my sanity. I sat there and made a list of ways in my head that would make me a better mom. Even a little Pinterest search sent me on a wild goose chase for ideas that would fix me.
No matter the clever ideas, I still ended up in the same place….crying in my closet. (Especially the article that said I would be a better mom if I gave up coffee.) No thanks.
There was something wrong, but the solution couldn’t be found on Pinterest. I had to go to a different source. My heart needed living water.
I am reminded of another woman in Scripture who gave herself a time out but rather than hiding in the closet she took herself to the temple and cried out in prayer. Hannah longed for a child, she longed for her womb to be filled. She knew the source for her need was found in God alone. Nothing in her strength or power could fix her situation, just like me.
Nothing can help me be a better mom apart from Christ. No one but Him can show me how to give grace and receive it. No one else could use my children to teach me about His love for me, and no one but God could teach me how to love them despite my frustration over their behavior.
After all He keeps loving me despite the fact I act the same way as my children. I learn to be a better parent because of my heavenly Father’s example of how He loves me.
He loves me despite me.
He loves me when I choose to disobey.
He loves me when I choose other stuff over Him.
He loves me when my chores go unfinished or make the wrong choice.
He still offers grace and forgiveness for me. Everything He teaches me as I parent my beautiful children. I know I cannot do it apart from Him.