Confusion, turmoil, frustration or just feeling like something isn’t right is never a good feeling. It definitely isn’t good when you’ve been feeling like this off and on for years, but can’t seem to get out of all the chaos. Some may know the experience, or have a similar story as mine, where you took the wrong path but you thought everything was going to be okay. That your new beginning would have a happy ending, it just had to.
I’m a Christian. It is true that God understands what I’m going through and where my heart is. But not following His will and behaving against Biblical principles is disobedience, even when it involves relationships. I learned this the hard way, but a new beginning from God opened my eyes to his love, forgiveness, and redemption.
I began dating someone six years ago and I found myself very emotionally involved. I was suddenly in love and everything seemed good. Then, a year into our relationship, I became pregnant. I believed that with this new chapter our relationship would become something more…maybe not marriage, but at least more committed to our future together. He took the news well, and was actually even excited. As time went on, I began to see signs that something just didn’t seem right.
Because of this new responsibility, this new beginning for me, I had to grow up. But unfortunately, I was the only one who wanted to change. My boyfriend and I began to struggle to communicate with each other and our relationship was deteriorating…I didn’t understand why this person I had given everything to suddenly did not want the same things that I wanted. He had everything: a loyal, loving girlfriend who wanted to spend her life with him, and a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I was heartbroken, I had come from a broken home, and I wanted desperately to protect this new, tiny person from having the same upbringing as I did. Because of my desperation, I was easily manipulated…I believed whatever my boyfriend said and hoped beyond hope we could do the right thing together.
Unfortunately, this new beginning with a beautiful baby led to a roller-coaster journey that went on for years. I continued to wait for my boyfriend to do the thing he continued to promise he would do, be with our daughter and me as a family. But those promises continued to turn up empty. I prayed often and went to church regularly. He would go at times, and I thought at some point this would all click for him. I thought he would feel the same conviction I felt. I sought God and desperately tried to hear His voice in this. I felt Him knocking on my heart, the same way I felt when I was saved. I felt it at church, while I read my devotionals, during prayer and as I sat in silence. Revelation 3: 20 says “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with me.” I wanted God. I wanted Him to save me from this. I wanted my empty heart to be filled by Him. I realized that how I felt about my child was just a fraction of how he feels about me. I was so sorry. I was so broken.
I finally decided I was done with all of this madness after years of an on and off again relationship. I was ready to end this journey down the wrong path and begin a new journey down the right one. I wanted my relationship back with my Creator; the one who would get me back on the right path, the one that loves me unconditionally. I wanted this not only for me, but also for my daughter. Psalm 46: 10 got my attention… “Be still and know that I am God.” It’s so simple. I’ve heard it a million times before, but now it clinched my heart and gave me freedom that I needed. I had to stop the striving and hurt I was going through to have a family with this person. I had to surrender completely and remind myself that the confusion and frustration I felt was not from God.
I know that there is a purpose for my daughter, she is no accident and neither am I or anyone else God creates. God gives us choices in life and hopes that we can listen to Him as we make these choices. Thank God that when we go our own way and mess up that His plans for us are still intact! I am forever grateful for his mercy and grace He has on us.
Breanne Brakhop
A Repost from My Journey of Faith Magazine